You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
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this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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