So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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