I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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