I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
