Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
