i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
