i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
