i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm always down for nudity.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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