Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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