chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
