got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
