My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
