Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
