Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
smell my finger.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
