There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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