Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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