I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
