Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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