This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
