she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
