Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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