I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
