the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
