im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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