If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
