I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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