it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
