remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
