just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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