just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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