I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
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