for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
