I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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