Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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