Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
my poor anus
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
