Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
