Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
