I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
