put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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