do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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