dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
