i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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