omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
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