Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
