I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
