May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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