If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
