Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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