Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
