cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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