nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
