I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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