I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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