He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
