I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
