So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
