If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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