dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
