Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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