one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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