it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
