Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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