you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
