I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
