Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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