why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
