laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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