When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
