I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
