He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
